In the last 9~ish months, I've slowly parted ways with my addiction of choice.
You know that thing most of us have, that we reach to when we're feeling emotional, bored, or heck... even happy? Mine was weed. From lighting up a joint at the end of most days (yet knowing it wasn't supporting me) - I went to an average of smoking once a week, to now, not at all for the last 3 months.
And as such, my go-to escapist practice has gone, I'm left with actually feeling what I was covering up.
What I'm finding has not surprised me, I knew it was there - but the degree to which Im feeling what's coming up, has. There have been moments nothing short of terror in the past few months, as the old stagnant stuff comes up and out.
What has been coming up?
Fear of being in my body. Fear that it's not safe to be a human in this world. Fear OF my body.
And by fear, I mean terror. Sheer terror lives in certain places of my energy body, from my ancestors, past lives, and trauma of this life.
This has manifested in a pattern.
A sort of, frazzled, energy. A feeling like I can't fully, deeply, and truly relax. My root literally feels constricted and in fight or flight mode. Like a lion might come attack me in any moment.
Most of us have a version of this, going on. It often shows up as a need to do. A need to make money. A need to feel consistently productive. Because if we're not making money, or being productive, we're not taking care of ourselves, and then, of course, everything will fall apart and we'll die a lonely death, in a hole (or so the ego tells us).
As much as I'm into wealth consciousness, this is one of the issues I have with people learning how to make more money, through spirituality. It's usually a cover up for deeper issues. Until the deeper issues are looked at, wealth consciousness is yet another practice to try to 'fix' ourselves. But I digress...
As I'm aware of this constriction in my root, I'm showing up. I'm showing up for deeper healing. And I'd like to share 2 focuses I have right now, that have come from my inner guidance, in case you can relate to my story...
In order to feel safer in my body, these are my current practices:
PLEASURABLE PUSSY POWER
Yes you read that right. I did in fact just say pleasurable pussy power. I'm reading Pussy, A Reclamation right now, by Regena Thomashauer. It's exactly the medicine I need. In the book, she guides us to reclaim our pussies as pleasurable power centers. And she uses that term, rather than vagina, or yoni, for a reason. (Which she details in the book) I'm into it. I'm over words for vagina / vulva being used as derogatory words. It is indeed time we reclaim them.
Anyway, through reading this book, it's come to my attention my pussy has some CRAZY POWER that's been suppressed my whole life. I wasn't even aware. I mean - I dance a lot, I do womb massage, I work with yoni eggs, I speak my mind. But as I tune into this area of my body, I FEEL the tension!
The constriction in my root, feels like the power of my ancestresses that denied their pleasure, their pussies, their wombs, for CENTURIES! It's like all of that suppressed power wants to come through... me... and NOW. So what am I doing to honour her? A recent practice is I bought a pussy mirror. Yes. I just said that. I bought a round mirror whose entire purpose is to look at my vagina. How do you feel when you just read that? Most women would feel a sense of discomfort. We think our vaginas are ugly. We've been taught to fear them. So this practice helps me to own the beauty of this power center.
Im also simply being more aware of my pleasurable pussy throughout the day. Im breathing into her. Placing my hand on her throughout the day. Letting her tell me when it's time for a pleasure break, like dancing. If you want to know more, I highly recommend checking out the book I mentioned. Lots of practices and guidance are in there.
I now have a primal practice. A few times a week, I'll get naked, put on some tribal bass-y music, and dance. And not just dance. I will SCREAM. I will HOWL. I will GROWL. I will use my legs. I'll bang the floor. I'll shake my snake rattle. I'll cover my body in clay. In short, I will get fucking crazy. It's great.
After I do this, I feel like I just did a huge workout. I'm aware that the fear that lives in my energy body just needs to MOVE! All the times I was told not to cry, not to scream, as a child - imprinted - and I, like most of us, learned to suppress strong emotions. This is why we're depressed! We have all this suppressed energy inside of us, that needs to GET OUT! When I do this, I also open my root, I open my connection to my animal self, I open my connection to my ancestors.
Little by little, with consistent practice, I feel these practices will bring me great healing.
I hope they serve you too, if you decide to take them on!
**And also a note, so I can maintain a sense of full honesty. I'm not a "I will never use substances ever" kind of gal. I would love to be able to have a healthy relationship with weed, where I can smoke it occasionally, whether ceremonially, or while dancing with friends. I say this because if I ever decide to light up a joint, I don't want my ego coming in being all like "But you told the whole world you didn't smoke weed anymore!".