Last night, I had a dark night of the soul...
What's that?
A dark night of the soul is a term, used for centuries (if not longer), by those on the path inward. It denotes a period - whether that be a night, a week, a month, or even a year - where a fervour of fear, anxiety, or depression hits you, leaving you wholly exhausted by the burden of your own life.
Not for the faint of heart, yes, but everyone experiences the dark night of the soul, whether we're on a spiritual path or not.
The reason why the term is coined by those on an inward journey, though, is once you start this kind of spiritual awakening - you can't stop. And the force of your path will inevitably guide you into parts of yourself that are in total darkness.
Photo of me by Marnie Recker
We're often brought into our shadows to heal them - and sometimes, we're brought a lot a deeper than we're used to going.
That happened to me last night.
After being struck by my moon time (what I like to call my period) - I had spent most of the day in bed, and as the night descended, I began to feel stuck and out of sorts.
Life seemed to close in on me as I realized how lonely I was without my soul family. How sad I was that someone close to me is suffering from depression. How powerless I felt in a world that I wanted to help so dearly. All these fears, these concerns that I know are there, but usually don't bother me that much, closed in on me like a vampire bent on suffocation.
I started to cry vehemently, not a soft trickle of tears, and not even a deep release that just feels good - but a full on wailing that would have been quite worrying to any passerbys.
Very often the thought "I don't want to be here anymore", came to me, and as I tried in desperation to calm myself, my only resources were to hug myself strongly, and to ask the Universe for HELP!
Exhausted, I tried to go to sleep, but the cramps from my lower belly pulsated with pain, and since I'm not in the practice of taking medication, I let them rage on as they kept me up.
I asked the angels for a sign that they were there with me, and I felt tingles and pinpricks all over my body, especially concentrated around my feet.
Finally, I drifted off, and in the middle of the night, I awoke after vivid dreams of eagles and dark dungeons. (Eagles signify a higher awareness, and the ability to see the broader picture)
And that's when I realized. The pain had broke.
It was like a fever. That moment where your body finally gets to the peak of it's desperation and breaks. The cramps were gone. The mental anguish had disappeared. The ache in my soul had dissipated, thought hints of it were there, I could tell I had made it through.
Slipping back into sleep, on and off, I finally got out of bed around 2:30 in the afternoon.
I felt so much better, but I knew I had to do something.
. . .
As I lay there last night, so encompassed in my own pain, I said to myself, "I need to write about this."
Technically speaking, I'm a life coach for spiritually minded young women. But what good does a title like 'life coach' do if I don't share my life? The ups and the downs.
Last night was intense, and in those moments, kind of torturous. But all in all, it was a beautiful experience.
It was a reminder that no matter how entrenched I feel in the circumstances of my life, or by the limitations of my own mind - I can, and will, come out of it.
And when I do, I know I can share my experiences to help others, who inevitably will experience their own dark nights of the soul.
So the next time fear has entrapped you and you feel like you can't get out - connect with this story, and know that there are so many people out there experiencing the exact same thing.
We're in this together.
Let your moments move through you, but don't let them define you.
Know that life is a river - keep moving with it - the rapids, the stillness, and everything in between.
So that's what I did today. Finally when I got out of bed, I had a shower, threw a pink tube top on, and head out the door with my computer in hand.
... The sun was out.
. . .
Much love, and many blessings to you on your journey,
xo Beth
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