Personal Revelations

Are feelings of "not-enoughness" getting you down?

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In the work that I do, I get the privilege of speaking to many people behind the scenes... I'm not sure how many readings and coaching sessions I have given at this point, but certainly to hundreds and hundreds of people, possibly a thousand.

With this, comes getting to know what's happening "behind the scenes". With my intention to hold safe space, many people tell me things they don't tell many of their friends.

And with this, I can most certainly say...

You are not alone.

Whatever struggle you're experiencing, whatever shadow in your soul is pushing you into psychosis, whatever wounds you have... you are not alone.

I speak to the people that seem to have it all.

I speak to the people that seem limitlessly confident.

I speak to the people who are wealthy and have successful businesses on the outside.

I speak to the people who have flawless photography.

And I hear them.

I hear their demons, their fears, their insecurities, their heart pain, their wounding.... I have the honour of knowing what's going on behind the scenes.

And though all of this information will stay forever confidential, what I've learned from it, will not.

We are more alike than we seem. 
Every single person is going through some sort of internal struggle. 
We all have times we don't feel good enough and compare. 
We all have dark nights of the soul.

And in this, we are unconditionally loved. It is my invitation for you, in this moment, to drop the comparing mind, if only just for this moment, and realize, how much is going on under the surface of the facade.

May we be brave enough to share our behind the scenes experiences so others don't feel so lonely. And may we be wise enough to see behind the scenes and know we are all one human heart, beating together.

No one is left behind.

I love you. 
Thank you for trusting me enough to share your depths. 
Thank you for your Spirit. 
Which is unconditionally loved, 
Held, 
And true.

And there you are in my newsfeed, with your sexy smile...

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Oh and there you are in my newsfeed
Popping up with your sexy smile
Even though we are friends
I was interested in more
And you politely declined

And there I witness that part of me
That yearns for validation
Oh if you liked me
Then I would be sexy too

And so we do this
For I know I’m not alone
Searching the world for people
To validate our self-worth

Temporary highs, we gain
And yet, inevitably
If I adhere to the old way
Of validation from the outside

When they don’t like me
Or I say something “wrong”
I come crashing down

But everytime I crash
I grow stronger and smarter
For I dont like that feeling at all

Here I am, in all my glory, whole
Like you, like us all, 
And I can no longer afford,

To wiggle my way into your graces
That are so temporary
That are so… unsatisfying

I’m amazing
Not because you say I am
Or don’t
Not because I’m better than
Or less

But because I’m a child of the Universe
With stars running through my veins
And a beating cosmic heart lives inside of me
A testament
To the unconditional love

That I am


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Why I cried in the Louvre in Paris...

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I walked into the Louvre with one single intent: to visit the Ancient Egyptian collection. As I passed through the famed glass pyramid and descended into the matrix that is the museum, I marveled at the sheer breadth of this storehouse of antiquities. 

Walking through collection after collection, I did not stop until I reached the green sign that let me know that I’d found my intended location: The home of Ancient Egyptian Antiquities. 

My eyes immediately found the eye of Horus, painted and shaped with turquoise and black. I meandered then into the next room, which housed ancient sarcophagi - most painted with Isis, the Ancient Egyptian Mother Goddess who lives still, in and through, so many of us. 

As I gazed into the images painted on the ancient wood, I felt my heart connect with the Ancients. A well of emotion rose within me and I started crying, quickly wrapping my pink scarf around my head to give me a bit of privacy, as fellow museum-goers moved all around me. In the well of emotion, I knew something to be true - I missed Egypt. What Egypt was. I desperately missed life among my Priestesses and brothers of Isis and Hathor, Osiris and Horus. My heart broke open, until I was reminded of something Mary Magdalane told me etherically while in her Grotto in Southern France, “don’t long for the past, the present houses what you truly desire and need”. 

I breathed in and continued to walk around the room. Again I stared at another image of Isis, and was met by a wave of remembrance. This time, the remembrance showed me hatred I still carried in my being, which still deeply affected me to this day. It is hard to admit, but I hated my sisters in that moment. Not all of them. But I remembered the dissolving of the sanctuaries we’d created, how some women chose to “sell out”, in the terminology we use today. How they paraded their positions of power or Priestessing to the Patriarchal elite, for safety, luxury, or more power, diminishing the true aspect of who we were as devotees to the Divine Feminine. Confusing the publics view of how to return home to the heart space, and convoluting everything we had worked for. 

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Again, I started crying, as I am now as I type this. I felt where I had stored this hatred, deep in my root chakra. I felt how this comes up in my life as Im wary of fellow sisters, especially those in a position of leadership, as I now understood on deeper levels, I subconsciously question the integrity of many whom I meet. 

I also noticed the way I judge this pattern in me. Part of me enacting the fear, and part of me judging it, because that’s not the way I’m supposed to relate to my fellow women. 

All of this came up and I wept, but after I left the Louvre, I knew something had been cleared. I remembered more of myself. And I know that something was lifted yesterday. I know I’ll continue to see remnants of this pattern come up in my life - mistrust in powerful sisters - but now I can have more compassion for this shadow side, because I know it’s not from a place of malevolence. Deep down, it’s from a desire for clarity, and integrity. And in compassion for my shadow, I can heal it. 

Blessings be to all beings, and may we open to the true codes of remembrance that are offered to us, everyday.


On judging my sisters...

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I’m in the South of France right now, and have been calling on Mary Magdalene’s energy a lot. Her energy is strong here, as these are the lands she landed on after fleeing her Middle Eastern homelands, after the death of her Beloved, Jesus.

When I was in the bath the other night, I called on her presence and felt her energy with me. She asked me to open up to my sisters even more, to have less judgement for them, and to go deeper into healing the wounds of separation between us.

For a mili-second, I wanted another message, as I do love receiving guidance that’s, well.. not pointing out things I need to work on. But then I got over it and realized, she was very right, and in that moment I chose to come into my next level of opening.

You see… I’m too harsh with my sisters, I’ll admit it, mostly online. This shows up when I see fellow coaches, I’ll come up with reasons why their work isn’t as authentic as mine, or I’ll point out energy I can feel in their field that isn’t as resonant with love as it could be. 

But guess what. That’s me, and that’s my own insecurities talking. Big time. Underneath the judgement lies that sneaky little fear that says I’m not good enough. And sometimes when other people shine, that part of me feels threatened. That fear likes to come up in a big haughty voice, overcompensating - and declaring she’s ‘better’ than other people, more authentic, more real…. Funny how that works. Believe me I’m cringing a bit as I write this. My truth knows a much different story, but I’m being honest. These are the things that still play out inside of me.

So right here, right now, I declare to step it up. 

I choose to open to my sisters more deeply, and in the last few days, I’ve been catching myself when I veer into judgment. Most of the time, I find I’m in judgement when someone is actually really badass and doing great things. So I’ve been practicing going into the energy of celebrating. Celebrating that sister for what’s she’s putting out there, and her energy. And I can tell you, it feels ALOT better, a lot lighter. When I judge, I create a problem inside of myself.. friction. The moment I veer into celebration instead, that ‘problem’ goes away, and all is well. 

This is the path. I won’t be perfect at this, but everyday I’ll do better. Because the truth is that every woman, and even every man and child, is a badass, amazing soul. And it’s my job to see that. Each and every day. 


The King Lives Within

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And there it is

The part of me

That can feel your lips

On mine

Tantalizing me

Of a future

I cannot yet see

 

But there in that moment

I have a choice

To put my energy outward

And search in longing

Or to call upon my warrior within

Proud brave and true

He lives inside me

Just like you

I call upon him to merge

With my feminine essence

Knowing I am male and female

 

And as I bring him in

Call him out

He teaches me

I don't need you

I want you

But I don't need you

There is a difference

Oh my dear

There is

A big

Difference

 

And so I will play

Getting to know the man within

For he'll always be with me

He is my true King

He embodies all

All the masculinity there is

And you

Are a function

Of Him

 

Not to diminish you

For your light is true

But to claim you as King

Would not be real

 

For the King and the Queen

Already live

Happily in my heart

It is I who must feed them

And make sure

They're never apart

The water is turquoise and perfect. ~ His amber eyes are full of presence

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You know those moments
Where everything just falls into place

The water is turquoise and perfect
His amber eyes are full of presence
The sun hits my skin just right
And it feels a little
Like heaven

And yet
You know it's fleeting
Life will continue to flow
This way and that
And the moment slips through our fingers
Never meant to last
Because life
Does not work like that

I decided
Today
I would not worry
or fret
About what was
Or what is to be

But I would let myself understand
That it is me
That makes life
Happy

I am the center
Of all I live
And in every moment
I choose to see
Divine perfection

Deciding not to long for days past
But to embrace the tides

Years ago
I would have been content
To dwell
In longing

But I'm changed now
I know too much
Life is too good
To waste
Longing for
What was

Let's open to the flow
It's only natural for things to go
But this moment offers everything
Just as it always has

Just as it always will

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She could see through my pain...

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Sitting in front of my mentor, as I had been for the past 2 days, in deep retreat, I couldn't hold the shadow in, any longer.

Here I was, sitting in front of 2 sisters who held so much unconditional love in their eyes, that it was both incredible and obvious... I was still grappling with wounds of not-enoughness, of not being worthy.

Here again, was this old, and in some ways, familiar voice, whispering...

"You don't really belong here. They don't really love you. If they knew who you really were, they wouldn't accept you. This unconditional love stuff does not apply to you. You are the exception."

 

I had become aware of this voice, in another of my mentor's temples, over the last year or so.

It's a really shitty voice. It makes me feel so separate.

And as I was feeling into this pain, my mentor Eden could see it clearly, and through my tears I connected with her eyes...

"Beloved, I love you unconditionally.

I already see you, I already love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you. There is nothing you can do to make me love you. I simply love you.

We don't do that anymore. We don't throw Priestesses out any more for not abiding by certain codes. That's over."

A huge well of grief arose within me and poured out as tears through my eyes, and as sobs through my gut.

The nature of alchemical work in a Priestess container is interesting. So often, as I walk this path of remembrance... deep feelings will arise within me, alluding to memories that I can't quite remember... reminding me of experiences that I can't quite put my finger on.

But there it was.

Clearly Eden had touched something very deep. And spoken words that needed to be spoken.

It is only me who keeps myself separate.

And in that moment, I was able to burst through the lie of separation, just a little bit more.

I was able to see the lie that I am unlovable in any way.

This, this is medicine. And I continue to walk this path. To remind myself that I am deeply lovable, in all of my shadows, in all of my pain, that there really and truly is, only love.

I share this with you today because I want you to know the places in which I am raw. I felt them today. Gazing over the Spanish mountains and knowing that I was in such beautiful place... and yet for hours, all I could feel was anguish and resistance. Something had triggered the shadows yet to be loved.

I have them.
These pockets of unworthiness.
I'm willing to guess you have them, too.
And together, we are lovable in them.

And when we honour that the pain we feel, lives inside all of us, we can find a togetherness in the shadow. A togetherness, and an understanding of our oneness, that is able to transmute it.

Because the truth is, you are lovable, I am lovable.

In all the places we've held back out of fear.

In all the places only we know about.

In all the places that drive us to addictions, or so called self-defeating behaviors.

We are lovable.

We are one.

And I am with you.

xo Beth

I got my heart broken in Mexico. And for that, I'm grateful

It was about 7 weeks into my trip to Mexico. I had seen some amazing things, and met some wonderful people, and was sitting in a water-front restaurant, waiting for my meal.

That’s when he walked in.

We made eye contact, he turned to face the bar, and I literally mouthed “WOW!” because he was so beautiful, and his eyes were so kind.

Now when I see beautiful men I do either one of two things. Stare at them, not talk to them, and keep this mysterious broody vibe that doesn’t get me anywhere. Or I just go up and say hello. Mostly it’s number 1. That day, it was number 2.

I started a conversation with him, after asking him if he spoke English. “A little bit”, he replied. My intuition popped in, and told me to ask him about sailing, as I was wanting to on a sailing adventure around the turquoise lagoon I was staying on.

“Do you do sailing tours?” I asked.

“Yes!” He replied.

Good one intuition.

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We arranged to go sailing later that day. Once a couple hours had passed, we met up. He was wearing just his board shorts and a hat, and it was like my body melted when I saw him. Not only that, but we had an amazing soul connection. Even though his English wasn’t that great, conversation flowed easily, and he laughed at all of my jokes, which is great, cause some people really just don’t get them haha. :)

About 10 minutes into talking, while he grabbed a beer before we went for our sail, he told me that he lived about 15 minutes away, in the jungle. He said there was a campground there, but not much else. He then, in typical direct latino style, looked me straight in the eyes and said “That’s where you can stay when you visit me.”

I was hooked.

Everything about him lit up my body like no one in a very long time had. The amber colour of his eyes made my heart open up really wide. He looked at me with pureness in his heart.

We spent a few hours sailing, swimming, and chatting. He kissed me. It was amazing. He asked me out for dinner. Of course, I said yes.

That night we went sailing again, under the Full Moon. We slept on his catamaran, and woke up to the sunrise over the crystal clear water, and birds singing their morning tunes.

He dropped me off at the docks near my Airbnb, and invited me to come to his house. We arranged that I would come to his little jungle palace the next day…

Different possibilities swirled around in my mind. I knew I just met someone that blew me out of the water. Everything about him was amazing. He was beyond sexy, kind, and a total nature lover who preferred to spend his time alone in the jungle. He talked about spiritual ceremonies, and how everything was one. I wondered how long we would end up spending together, as I planned to fly home 2 or 3 weeks later.

The next day, I packed my bags and showed up at his jungle house, which turned out to be this amazing, eco-house right on the water. We spent the next 3 days together, sailing, chatting, making food, loving each other up, and relaxing. I liked him so much… yet I have to be honest and say that something felt a little off. When I left, we agreed that I would come back and spend more time with him… I was on my way to Tulum to meet up with a friend, and to get some space from what had just happened, so I could get a better vibe of what this relationship meant for me. I told him I’d be gone for about a week, maybe more.

When I got to my next destination, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I felt anxious throughout that week. I tried to call him, but never got an answer. He couldn’t call me back, because I just use Skype to call phones. He was out in the jungle with no wi-fi either, so even though I was frustrated, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I knew I was going back to see him.

A week passed, and I decided to go back to see him. The night before I left, a huge scorpion fell onto my bed in the middle of the night, but I didn’t get stung. I shared this on FB, and a friend and client wrote to me… “Sister, you’ve been blessed. For the Maya, when Scorpion visits and it doesn’t sting, it brings a powerful message. But in order to receive it, there must be a death.”

That morning, I headed back. I felt like I was walking through fire on that 3 hour bus ride. I was anxious, and didn’t know what to expect. I knew he really liked me, but I was wondering why I couldn’t get a hold of him. Why I felt so far from peace.

I showed up at his house, that evening.

No one was home. I walked in, and instantly saw a traveller’s backpack in the kitchen. I went over to it, and peeked inside, like a creep, but I didn’t care. I needed to know. Yep… a bikini top. A girl was staying there.

Right then, he walked up, solo… and looked a bit surprised to see me. His energy was different. After saying hello, I just asked him straight up… “Is there a girl staying here?”

“Yes” he said.

“OK, I guess I’ll go.”

“See you later?” He asked, implying that I would come back when this girl had finished staying with him.

“No.” I told him. “I’ve been thinking about you for a week, and you’re already with another girl.”

His face fell.

“Do you have 5 minutes to talk? I wanted to tell you some things.”

And I did. I wanted to tell him, I had a profound experience the day before. I saw that we had known each other in various lives, that our connection was big, was forever, but we weren’t meant to be long-term lovers. We were powerful soul friends. We were spiritual teachers who had come to this planet in our wholeness.

“No, we have to go sailing.” He said. And I knew he was nervous that if he took his time, the other girl might come up and wonder what he was doing. She was down at the dock. About to go sailing with him. Like we had for 4 days. Ouch.

I accepted what was going on, but I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and told him how special he was to me. I started crying a bit. I was so hurt. I thought I was going back to see this man and spend more time with his soul, snuggling up to him, and sharing my recent revelations.

But instead, I found myself saying a rushed goodbye, probably for the rest of our lives.

He looked sad too. But I left.
I left and I cried and I felt so sad.

He didn’t ever message me after that.

That was the last time I talked to him.

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This experience happened in the middle of Venus retrograde - the love planet's deepest descent into the underworld, and a notorious time for our old wounds to be dredged up to be healed.

And you know what... I’m so grateful for this man, and what happened.
I have so much love in my heart for him, and I know, in other dimensions I will see him again.

I’m grateful because I got shocked into seeing my patterns, in such a painful way that I couldn’t possibly ignore the message.

You see, this was not the first guy that “hurt me”. In the last 4 years that I’ve been single, I’ve unconsciously attracted man after man that was not available. Men that thought I was crazy for having such intense emotions, or for being spiritually connected to other realms and open about it. Men that denied me and rejected me, when at first they seemed enamored with me.

Why?

After the initial moments of despair and feelings of “not enoughness” started to wear off, I realized I had to get serious about healing with the Sacred Masculine.

I could not just say 15 minutes of affirmations every 2 weeks like “I honour the Sacred Masculine. Good men show up in my life and honour me” - and expect that all would be well and dandy.

I had some deep healing to do.

I honoured that at a subconscious level, men meant ‘hurt’ to me. Men were dangerous, associated with war, and a lack of emotional empathy. Of course if I had these subconscious programs, that was what was going to show up for me.
Not only that though. My big AHA came from realizing that I have been searching for the masculine outside of myself.

I took that 3 hour bus ride, not to shower that man with love, but to “get” from him. I wanted him to snuggle me and love me. I wanted to receive his masculine energy.

I realized that time after time, I’d been chasing masculine energy outside of myself.

Yes indeed, that masculine energy was delicious, but here’s the thing - it exists within me.

And for years and years, I’ve been suppressing my masculine energy, for reasons I can’t be fully sure of, but most likely because of my soul witnessing thousands of years of oppressive patriarchy, and me making the tie between men and patriarchy.

But the sacred masculine has nothing to do with patriarchy. He is a holy, sacred energy, that is incredible at grounding, holding space, commanding resources, and so much more.

Because of this experience, I got a huge download from the Universe, that it was time to honour my own masculine energy, and let it live within me.

If I suppress my masculine, and then look for it outside of myself - I will attract chaotic experiences with my lovers.

If I honour my masculine, root into both my feminine and masculine, and allow my ideal lover to magnetize towards my unified vibrations (ie. attract, rather than chase) - I will experience majestic vibrations of healthy LOVE.

So here I am.

On my journey to heal.

Through subconscious reprogramming, meditation, visualization, ceremony, and being aware of what my intentions are with men in any given moment, I am choosing to heal.

I am fully committed.

This process will take time and it will take work, because that is the nature of Earth School.
But I’m in. I choose to heal not just for myself, but for the collective. Because the re-union of the Feminine and the Masculine is the salve that will harmonize this planet.

And as I leave you with these words, I also want to ask you a few questions to get you reflecting on your own life, and how this relates to you:

  1. When you tune into your subconscious, what comes up when you think of men? (Or women, if you are a man) —- Are they scary and violent? Loving and supportive? Anything in between?
  2.  What kinds of relationships are you manifesting with men? What are these relationships mirroring to you?
  3. Are you aware of any limiting beliefs around your connection with men? Are you willing to start to heal them?

 

 

In love and gratitude, thank you for witnessing my story!

xo Beth