It was about 7 weeks into my trip to Mexico. I had seen some amazing things, and met some wonderful people, and was sitting in a water-front restaurant, waiting for my meal.
We made eye contact, he turned to face the bar, and I literally mouthed “WOW!” because he was so beautiful, and his eyes were so kind.
Now when I see beautiful men I do either one of two things. Stare at them, not talk to them, and keep this mysterious broody vibe that doesn’t get me anywhere. Or I just go up and say hello. Mostly it’s number 1. That day, it was number 2.
I started a conversation with him, after asking him if he spoke English. “A little bit”, he replied. My intuition popped in, and told me to ask him about sailing, as I was wanting to on a sailing adventure around the turquoise lagoon I was staying on.
“Do you do sailing tours?” I asked.
“Yes!” He replied.
Good one intuition.
We arranged to go sailing later that day. Once a couple hours had passed, we met up. He was wearing just his board shorts and a hat, and it was like my body melted when I saw him. Not only that, but we had an amazing soul connection. Even though his English wasn’t that great, conversation flowed easily, and he laughed at all of my jokes, which is great, cause some people really just don’t get them haha. :)
About 10 minutes into talking, while he grabbed a beer before we went for our sail, he told me that he lived about 15 minutes away, in the jungle. He said there was a campground there, but not much else. He then, in typical direct latino style, looked me straight in the eyes and said “That’s where you can stay when you visit me.”
I was hooked.
Everything about him lit up my body like no one in a very long time had. The amber colour of his eyes made my heart open up really wide. He looked at me with pureness in his heart.
We spent a few hours sailing, swimming, and chatting. He kissed me. It was amazing. He asked me out for dinner. Of course, I said yes.
That night we went sailing again, under the Full Moon. We slept on his catamaran, and woke up to the sunrise over the crystal clear water, and birds singing their morning tunes.
He dropped me off at the docks near my Airbnb, and invited me to come to his house. We arranged that I would come to his little jungle palace the next day…
Different possibilities swirled around in my mind. I knew I just met someone that blew me out of the water. Everything about him was amazing. He was beyond sexy, kind, and a total nature lover who preferred to spend his time alone in the jungle. He talked about spiritual ceremonies, and how everything was one. I wondered how long we would end up spending together, as I planned to fly home 2 or 3 weeks later.
The next day, I packed my bags and showed up at his jungle house, which turned out to be this amazing, eco-house right on the water. We spent the next 3 days together, sailing, chatting, making food, loving each other up, and relaxing. I liked him so much… yet I have to be honest and say that something felt a little off. When I left, we agreed that I would come back and spend more time with him… I was on my way to Tulum to meet up with a friend, and to get some space from what had just happened, so I could get a better vibe of what this relationship meant for me. I told him I’d be gone for about a week, maybe more.
When I got to my next destination, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I felt anxious throughout that week. I tried to call him, but never got an answer. He couldn’t call me back, because I just use Skype to call phones. He was out in the jungle with no wi-fi either, so even though I was frustrated, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I knew I was going back to see him.
A week passed, and I decided to go back to see him. The night before I left, a huge scorpion fell onto my bed in the middle of the night, but I didn’t get stung. I shared this on FB, and a friend and client wrote to me… “Sister, you’ve been blessed. For the Maya, when Scorpion visits and it doesn’t sting, it brings a powerful message. But in order to receive it, there must be a death.”
That morning, I headed back. I felt like I was walking through fire on that 3 hour bus ride. I was anxious, and didn’t know what to expect. I knew he really liked me, but I was wondering why I couldn’t get a hold of him. Why I felt so far from peace.
I showed up at his house, that evening.
No one was home. I walked in, and instantly saw a traveller’s backpack in the kitchen. I went over to it, and peeked inside, like a creep, but I didn’t care. I needed to know. Yep… a bikini top. A girl was staying there.
Right then, he walked up, solo… and looked a bit surprised to see me. His energy was different. After saying hello, I just asked him straight up… “Is there a girl staying here?”
“Yes” he said.
“OK, I guess I’ll go.”
“See you later?” He asked, implying that I would come back when this girl had finished staying with him.
“No.” I told him. “I’ve been thinking about you for a week, and you’re already with another girl.”
His face fell.
“Do you have 5 minutes to talk? I wanted to tell you some things.”
And I did. I wanted to tell him, I had a profound experience the day before. I saw that we had known each other in various lives, that our connection was big, was forever, but we weren’t meant to be long-term lovers. We were powerful soul friends. We were spiritual teachers who had come to this planet in our wholeness.
“No, we have to go sailing.” He said. And I knew he was nervous that if he took his time, the other girl might come up and wonder what he was doing. She was down at the dock. About to go sailing with him. Like we had for 4 days. Ouch.
I accepted what was going on, but I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and told him how special he was to me. I started crying a bit. I was so hurt. I thought I was going back to see this man and spend more time with his soul, snuggling up to him, and sharing my recent revelations.
But instead, I found myself saying a rushed goodbye, probably for the rest of our lives.
He looked sad too. But I left.
I left and I cried and I felt so sad.
He didn’t ever message me after that.
That was the last time I talked to him.
~~~~
This experience happened in the middle of Venus retrograde - the love planet's deepest descent into the underworld, and a notorious time for our old wounds to be dredged up to be healed.
And you know what... I’m so grateful for this man, and what happened.
I have so much love in my heart for him, and I know, in other dimensions I will see him again.
I’m grateful because I got shocked into seeing my patterns, in such a painful way that I couldn’t possibly ignore the message.
You see, this was not the first guy that “hurt me”. In the last 4 years that I’ve been single, I’ve unconsciously attracted man after man that was not available. Men that thought I was crazy for having such intense emotions, or for being spiritually connected to other realms and open about it. Men that denied me and rejected me, when at first they seemed enamored with me.
After the initial moments of despair and feelings of “not enoughness” started to wear off, I realized I had to get serious about healing with the Sacred Masculine.
I could not just say 15 minutes of affirmations every 2 weeks like “I honour the Sacred Masculine. Good men show up in my life and honour me” - and expect that all would be well and dandy.
I had some deep healing to do.
I honoured that at a subconscious level, men meant ‘hurt’ to me. Men were dangerous, associated with war, and a lack of emotional empathy. Of course if I had these subconscious programs, that was what was going to show up for me.
Not only that though. My big AHA came from realizing that I have been searching for the masculine outside of myself.
I took that 3 hour bus ride, not to shower that man with love, but to “get” from him. I wanted him to snuggle me and love me. I wanted to receive his masculine energy.
I realized that time after time, I’d been chasing masculine energy outside of myself.
Yes indeed, that masculine energy was delicious, but here’s the thing - it exists within me.
And for years and years, I’ve been suppressing my masculine energy, for reasons I can’t be fully sure of, but most likely because of my soul witnessing thousands of years of oppressive patriarchy, and me making the tie between men and patriarchy.
But the sacred masculine has nothing to do with patriarchy. He is a holy, sacred energy, that is incredible at grounding, holding space, commanding resources, and so much more.
Because of this experience, I got a huge download from the Universe, that it was time to honour my own masculine energy, and let it live within me.
If I honour my masculine, root into both my feminine and masculine, and allow my ideal lover to magnetize towards my unified vibrations (ie. attract, rather than chase) - I will experience majestic vibrations of healthy LOVE.
So here I am.
On my journey to heal.
Through subconscious reprogramming, meditation, visualization, ceremony, and being aware of what my intentions are with men in any given moment, I am choosing to heal.
This process will take time and it will take work, because that is the nature of Earth School.
But I’m in. I choose to heal not just for myself, but for the collective. Because the re-union of the Feminine and the Masculine is the salve that will harmonize this planet.
And as I leave you with these words, I also want to ask you a few questions to get you reflecting on your own life, and how this relates to you:
- When you tune into your subconscious, what comes up when you think of men? (Or women, if you are a man) —- Are they scary and violent? Loving and supportive? Anything in between?
- What kinds of relationships are you manifesting with men? What are these relationships mirroring to you?
- Are you aware of any limiting beliefs around your connection with men? Are you willing to start to heal them?
In love and gratitude, thank you for witnessing my story!