Sitting in front of my mentor, as I had been for the past 2 days, in deep retreat, I couldn't hold the shadow in, any longer.
Here I was, sitting in front of 2 sisters who held so much unconditional love in their eyes, that it was both incredible and obvious... I was still grappling with wounds of not-enoughness, of not being worthy.
Here again, was this old, and in some ways, familiar voice, whispering...
"You don't really belong here. They don't really love you. If they knew who you really were, they wouldn't accept you. This unconditional love stuff does not apply to you. You are the exception."
I had become aware of this voice, in another of my mentor's temples, over the last year or so.
It's a really shitty voice. It makes me feel so separate.
And as I was feeling into this pain, my mentor Eden could see it clearly, and through my tears I connected with her eyes...
"Beloved, I love you unconditionally.
I already see you, I already love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you. There is nothing you can do to make me love you. I simply love you.
We don't do that anymore. We don't throw Priestesses out any more for not abiding by certain codes. That's over."
A huge well of grief arose within me and poured out as tears through my eyes, and as sobs through my gut.
The nature of alchemical work in a Priestess container is interesting. So often, as I walk this path of remembrance... deep feelings will arise within me, alluding to memories that I can't quite remember... reminding me of experiences that I can't quite put my finger on.
But there it was.
Clearly Eden had touched something very deep. And spoken words that needed to be spoken.
It is only me who keeps myself separate.
And in that moment, I was able to burst through the lie of separation, just a little bit more.
I was able to see the lie that I am unlovable in any way.
This, this is medicine. And I continue to walk this path. To remind myself that I am deeply lovable, in all of my shadows, in all of my pain, that there really and truly is, only love.
I share this with you today because I want you to know the places in which I am raw. I felt them today. Gazing over the Spanish mountains and knowing that I was in such beautiful place... and yet for hours, all I could feel was anguish and resistance. Something had triggered the shadows yet to be loved.
I have them.
These pockets of unworthiness.
I'm willing to guess you have them, too.
And together, we are lovable in them.
And when we honour that the pain we feel, lives inside all of us, we can find a togetherness in the shadow. A togetherness, and an understanding of our oneness, that is able to transmute it.
Because the truth is, you are lovable, I am lovable.
In all the places we've held back out of fear.
In all the places only we know about.
In all the places that drive us to addictions, or so called self-defeating behaviors.
We are lovable.
We are one.
And I am with you.
xo Beth