Sexuality. ★ One of the juiciest energies in my life today, use to be one of the most foreign.
I grew up taught to believe that sex was between a man and wife... and that's the extent of what sexuality meant.
The climate of sexual suppression I grew up in, meant that, by the time I was 17, I remember telling my best friend: "I don't know what it feels like to be "turned on."
Now Im sure some nice church loving ladies would be thrilled by that statement, and feel that a 17 year old girl should absolutely not know what it feels like to be aroused...
But the wild woman in me thinks that's actually really sad.
Because the experience of being "turned on", is not just about wanting to have sex...
~ I can feel turned on by life, open to endless possibilities and new opportunities
~ I can feel turned on by my own body, dancing the night away feeling the flames of passion and joy ripple through my body as I move
~ I can feel turned on by a creative project, feeling so excited to create something beautiful, meaningful and new
~ AND... I can be turned on by a lover, letting my body and soul soften and open up to the sensuality of moving in rhythm with a beloved, his heart, his body...
I claim sexuality as sacred now.
I've done a lot of work around this, and I have more to do.
But I am still SHOCKED, to this day, when I share my views on sex - that I hold it as sacred, even when it's raw, primal, and crazy - how many people ask... "What do you mean by that?"
I can witness how many of us hold so much shame around sexuality... owning our bodies, finding pleasure in our movements, energy, and forms...
This has been conditioned into us. By the church. By patriarchy.
But it's time it stops.
★ Our bodies are holy.
★ Our sexuality is PURE.
★ Sex can initiate us into the orgasmic creative power of the Universe.
★ Sex literally CAME from God/dess.
...In order to witness a revolution around sexuality,
We must experience a revolution in ourselves....
Some ways that my own inner revolution has changed me + my habits:
~ For starters... I DEFINITELY know what it feels like to be turned on... but the feeling doesn't control me. I can allow it and let it flow in different ways... (Still working on this...)
~ I no longer get sexual with men who can't really see me, who don't really love me. Even if it means I don't have sex for long periods (and I really like to have sex...) - I will say NO, if my womb and heart tell me to. No matter how sexy the guy, in question is... I now have boundaries after many years of saying yes to the wrong men who gave me red flags from the start.
~ I feel sexy. Straight up. When I dance. When I feel my hair brush against my skin. When I walk in nature and get muddy and messy. This never used to be the case. I felt cute, at best. Sexy was never a word, or a feeling, I was familiar with. Now I'm confident, and feel comfortable in claiming my beauty - in a world where we are told not to claim our beauty or our sexuality, because it's 'arrogant' or 'slutty' (...gag). *For example, I NEVER would have posted a picture like the on above 5+ years ago... NEVER NEVER NEVER... Now? Fuck it... I like the picture :)
~ I allow the excitement and joy of sexual energy to fuel me... This creates an aura of happiness + magnetism in my field, that pulls in all sorts of fun things - new friends, plane tickets, synchronistic adventures, clients, and more.
Like I said, in order to get to this place, after having the whole idea of sexuality be completely foreign to me, I had to do a lot of 'work', a lot of breathing, a lot of dancing, a lot of questioning, a lot of journaling, a lot of working things out through relationship...
I'm offering a free ceremonial activation of your Sacred Sexuality, with Mary Magdalene, in a free 5 day journey called Walking as Priestess. You can sign up below to receive it!
Feeling Sexy + Sultry: Where is the Sacred Masculine?
So... recently, I've had some rather frustrating situations with men in my life.
While also mildly hilarious, overall, they have highlighted a deep desire within me to have the masculine 'Show Up' in my life, as I've become keenly aware of so many times I felt unsupported, or even disregarded, by the other sex.
Well I am happy to tell you I've just had a MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH, and I am super stoked to share! Who doesn't love breakthroughs?
Over the last few months, I have felt my desire for masculine energy in my life escalate.
And by masculine energy... let's just tell it like it is. My loins were on fire. Seriously ladies, I have never felt the desire for super awakening sex like I have since October.
Prior to my long term relationship, I was in my teenage years. So a) Much of my sexual energy had been deeply unexplored b) When it rose up and wanted to be fed, it usually resulted in me going out to the bar, drinking with my girlfriends, and making out on the dance floor.
Being woken up, empowered, (and now mostly a non drinker), this time, needed to be quite different.
How would I navigate the landscape of sexuality with this new mindset? How could I honour and respect my primal needs and desires, while also honouring the whisperings of my heart, and the sensitivity that dwelled within me?
And why did all of this feel so goddam hard?
Men just weren't showing up. Well they were, but they weren't actually if you get what I'm saying.
They weren't communicating. They were giving mixed signals. They were reaching out, and then running away. They were dropping the ball. They weren't manning up.
And this really got to me, as so many of my prayers revolved around attracting that which fulfilled me. Satisfying sexual encounters that were both holy + sacred, unattached + yet fully united. Open + flowing. Uncontrolled + primal. Deep. Cosmic. Spiritual. An honouring of the sacred masculine and the divine feminine.
But alas, this lady, try though she might, was not getting what she was looking for. Many I talked to said I was reaching for more than others could give. That this type of union simply didn't exist in this day and age. That men were men, and they were flakes. That if I wanted sex, fine, but don't expect it to mean anything.
And so I waited, waited for something that made sense. Waited for an AHA moment, that would deliver me from confused and wanting, to powerful and honouring.
Well, my dears, the AHA moment has arrived.
After a frustrating situation yesterday, when again, I felt as though the masculine had dropped the ball, and not shown up (details spared, basis of the situation - shared) - I felt an undulating heat and disappointment for the masculine.
The feminine wounds within me writhed. It felt like I had arrived at an institution of higher learning, and I had prepared in depth - proud and excited of my work - ready to share, I showed up with all materials in hand, only to discover that it was a men's club, and they wouldn't take me seriously.
Another way I saw it, this morning, was a battlefield. The powerful women warriors had shown up, but the army they were fighting was great. We needed the hundreds of males in the distance to come and help us. But they didn't. We were left alone, to fend for ourselves.
So much of this is so abstract, so deeply personal, but hopefully you'll be able to sense the sensitive undercurrent running below. The feelings of being left behind, being unwanted, not received, not respected, by our counterparts.
And then it hit me.
This morning, all of this turned hilarious. In between shouts of 'GODDAMIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEN', I likewise, had bouts of mild histeria. I thought all of this was hilarious. I could truly step back and witness the situation, and through my comedic translation of said events, an enormous amount of clarity rushed through me.
Through my own independence, my own wilfulness, and pride at being a woman, I had blocked out the masculine. Though I felt drawn to him, and wanted him in my life, I had been acting and thinking in a way of 'Don't need no man for no thang.'
But guess what. It dawned upon me, I actually DO need a man.
And not just any man.
MY man.
My own inner man. My inner masculine. I had been so excited about channeling the Goddess, the beautiful, sensual creature of the female, that I had shunned my inner sacred masculine.
It was in that moment that I felt both the deep craving for the masculine, and the unforgiveness I had harboured against him, both as an individual, and as a part of the collective female psyche.
Through my anger at how the unbalanced masculine has shown up in the world, I had failed to acknowledge the positive aspects of the him, that I both deeply needed, and deeply craved.
So I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed.
I recited, over and over, my mantra of forgiveness for the masculine. I felt my deep attraction to him, and let it be OK. I prayed that my inner selves would be united, that my sacred masculine, and my divine feminine could forgive one another. That I could experience unity in the self.
I realized that, for the last few months - not getting what I wanted and encountering men who were just not showing up - had everything to do with the separation of masculine + feminine within myself.
After that, I called upon my masculine.
I channeled his energy from up within me, and something magical happened.
I felt safe, and protected. I felt like he had me. I felt his presence, calm and steady. All that delicious energy that men do so well, (you know, like being all sexy and strong, steady, and deeply rooted) was rising up within. And I felt turned on. By my own self! My own masculine!
Eureka!
All this "What you're looking for is in yourself" stuff is so not bullshit!
Excellent.
So dear ones, I will work with this new insight. This understanding that my own masculine is delicious and true, and worthy, and I am so, so ready to forgive him. When we unite, then, and only then, will the sacred masculine truly be able to show up in my outer world as well.
He is what I need. He is what I want.
And all of Him, is within me.
May your sacred masculine + your divine feminine merge. And may they make delicious, sweet love, in your uncompromisingly deep soul.
xo Beth
Ps. Upon finishing this blog post, a man has shown up and sat at my booth at the coffee shop. HAHA. Shit's working already ;) :D
Pps. Another one just sat down. This is amazing. Inner masculine, you are the bomb.