Lately I’ve been on a meditation kick. Like a serious one, haha. (Think, 2+ hours a day. I know. Who am I?) I’ve discovered Theta wave meditations by Kelly Howell, and they are designed, with the tones and vibrations they use, to put you into the dreamlike state of theta consciousness - which is where you can access deep guidance, and even uncover alternate paths for the direction of your life.
There are two areas of my life that I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately. Maybe reflecting is the wrong word. More like zoning in and doing some deep digging.
These two areas? Money and men. Yep.
Money as in - “How can I attract and receive the finances that I need to do all the things I want to do? Like travel, and buy land so I can live off grid. Like eating the best diet ever and wearing a wardrobe fit for a fairy?”
Men as in - “OK, I want to manifest my life partner, but so many people around me say it’s not right to focus on that. You have to wait for it to find you, and you have to find total self-love before it can magnetize. Might as well have some fun in the meantime!”
But as many of you can relate - there comes a time where so-so connections and ‘fun’ no longer hold any sway. At all. Believe me - I was a make out bandit in my University days. Literally. That’s what my friends called me. A make out bandit, hahaha. And while that was completely healthy for me at the time, and offered me a chance to go explore and see what was out there, after a while, I was ready for something more. (Also, I stopped drinking at that time, so that might have had something to do with it)
About 4 years ago I magnetized a relationship that was a lot more than just a quick connection. It was deep, soul level love, and I wanted to keep going into it. And into it. But he broke up with me a few times, over a few years, and by the last time, when I was traveling solo through Hawaii, he broke up with me over skype... well, HAHA, that pretty much ended it.
Since then, I’ve been battling internally and I haven’t even been fully aware of it.
So today, I went into a theta meditation, not so much to focus on the money side of things, though I’ve received a lot of great guidance around that lately too. (Namely - that my action steps and my bank account are a lot less related then they may seem. Magnetizing money is about the energy you’re in)
No, today, I went looking around in my subconscious for clues about a dream I had last night. In it, I slipped a man a piece of paper - essentially a contract that said he had permission to be with me. The magnitude of this connection, and that we’d be ‘allowed’ to explore it, was so much for us, that though both of us were so stoked, he left the dream, and I woke up. The energy was too powerful we needed a chill! I couldn’t sleep for the next hour.
But what was that part about permission? About being allowed?
Don’t I know that I’m allowed to fall in love?
Apparently not.
I’ve been single for the last year and a half. And I mean really single. Not the kind of single that you see someone for a couple weeks here and there. But like, really effing single. Like my cat and I have grown quite close during this time.
Ok, back to the meditation and the permission thing.
Why have I not attracted a partner during this time? Even though I made it clear to the Universe that I wanted to fall in love - where was it?
WELL FOLKS, WE HAVE A THETA PARADIGM SHIFT UPON US.
(Also, I just made up that term)
In meditation today, I got this -
I have been raised to think and believe that STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMEN were the bees knees, and they don't need no man for no thang.
‘Get your career going, get sorted financially, and then maybe have a guy around after for some enjoyment when you’re all ready and mature. ‘
And then, the spiritual side of things, when I started to read and explore that...
‘You need to love yourself FULLY before anyone can love you. You can only be in healthy relationship if you are absolutely whole and independent, and don’t rely on them for anything. Then it’s all groovy if you two merge, cause you’ll be whole beings. Whereas before, not so much. You’ve gotta have self-love down to a T before you can do that.’
... Well excuse my profanity, my meditation told me so delightfully to FUCK THAT SHIZ.
Ladies, I am about to say something that might shock you a little bit, as it did me a bit.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO RELY ON YOUR PARTNER.
You are allowed to intertwine with someone else.
You are allowed to have a twin flame.
You are allowed to merge with someone.
You are even allowed to DEPEND on your partner (and oh dear, did a part of me squirm when I wrote that... still got some independent woman no man no thang busting to do)
WHY?
Because we are uniquely designed to long for each other.
For a partner. For a family. For a community. It's the stuff we're built of.
We’ve become so obsessed with separateness and independence, that we really have forgot - we really do need each other. Community is the all healer, it always has been, and it always will be.
Just like a baby can literally die if it does not get enough love and skin to skin contact after it’s born, our souls too, can shrivel if we don’t receive the love we need.
The divine works through people.
This man that I adore, and I want - I am allowed to give myself permission to want him. And more than that, to be with him. To rely on him. To co-create with him. (Whoever he is)
Even though some of my beliefs say - it’s totally pathetic to want a man. You’ll never get one with that energy, I now, beg to differ.
Wanting a man is natural. (Or wanting a woman for that matter)
I want to create a life with someone.
I want to intertwine.
I want to fully embrace my humanness, and accept that we as humans, AND we as souls, need each other.
And that is completely OK.
I’m still working on opening up these beliefs. Man, that independent woman thing is deeply engrained. But now that I can see it for what is is - a shield so I don’t get hurt, an excuse to not go after what I really want - I can be a little freer.
Writing this post was meant to resonate with those of you who are in the same spot I am. WANTING it, but not giving yourself permission to have it.
In any area of your life.
So share a comment below!
Do you allow yourself to have what you want? Do you feel like it’s wrong to want a man? Do you feel like you have to be fully self-loving before you can be with an out-of-this-world partner? Or are you rocking it out, and have some wisdom for the rest of us?
Let's start a conversation!
