"I just feel really agitated lately, since the Plant Medicine, Anytime someone is all in the "love everything" vibe, I just feel agitated."
"Me too," I echoed, chiming in, in solidarity, "Lately when people are like "Love, all is love, I love everyone and everything!", I'm like "I hate you", and then I think "Omg Beth!" - because that's so not me. I know it's just a process."
I felt a shift in the room.
Is hate a strong word? Yes. Was I in a healing workshop? Yes. But that's how I felt - how I'd been feeling. I didn't censor myself.
I was at a breathwork workshop, and we were at the end of the circle, sharing about our experiences and what we've been going through lately.
At the start of the journey, we were told - all emotions are welcome here, nothing is ugly, nothing is bad.
And yet, I could feel, from one person especially, sitting across from me, what I stated, was indeed 'wrong' or at least, very distasteful in some way. Some comments were then shared about what irritation is all about, or how to process it. The energy was - "Let's help you 'fix' this".
And this, my friends, is where we're at --- we talk about letting all emotions be OK, making space for them. Learning to love anger as we love light...
But we don't live it.
We don't embody it.
Even me, as I left the workshop, I felt ashamed for sharing the potent energy inside of me. "I shouldn't have shared that, the space wasn't being held for me."
But even there, I caught myself, I was ashamed of my own powerful feelings. Thinking they must not be OK, if they triggered other people, by simply sharing them.
I had to breathe through those feelings for hours.
But sitting here now, I feel differently.
I have sacred rage inside of me.
And grief underneath that.
During a recent Plant Ceremony, I had a past life recall that was so intense, I could do nothing but cry like an animal, when it surfaced. I didn't even know I could make sounds like that.
And now, in the wake - yes I'm angry. Yes I have grief.
And yes, that's all OK. My soul has been through a lot. (Can you relate?)
It's time the healing community learns the difference between being in a genuine space of love, and simply spiritual bypassing, floating in the higher chakras.
If you state you are in a deep vibration of love, but cower back and judge another who is not feeling the same way - you are not in a true space of love, you're in an unintegrated state.
If you state you are in a deep vibration of love, and feel your heart grow wider, your compassion growing deeper, as someone shares the nitty gritty of their darker depths - you ARE in a space of love.
Is it a touch arrogant for me to be defining when someone is genuinely in a space of love, and when they aren't?
But what feels real is this - As spiritual brothers and sisters, it's time to honour the Dark Goddess.
Not from our minds.
Not as a concept.
But from an embodied knowingness.
She is the crazy bitch who takes you in the night and throws you deep in the pit of your own fears, to wake you the fuck up.
She is the one who stands at the gateways between birth and death - yonis splitting open in blood and screams. Last breaths being taken as souls return to the Mystery.
She is the one with unending compassion and love, who guides you to see your own bullshit so you can be who you truly are.
And 99% of the time - she ain't pretty.
I pray we grow, together, to appreciate Her and hold space for Her.
To not cower in fear or judgement when She speaks, when She roars.
For I truly believe, it is in honouring Her, that we will restore this Earth to balance.
So my dear,
I leave you with this,
I honour your darkness,
I honour the shadow that inhabits it,
And I honour the sacredness of the void that lives inside of you.
You are not too much,
What is inside of you, is not too much,