F*ck it, I Want A Man! ( ... The Story of an Independent Woman)

Lately I’ve been on a meditation kick. Like a serious one, haha. (Think, 2+ hours a day. I know. Who am I?) I’ve discovered Theta wave meditations by Kelly Howell, and they are designed, with the tones and vibrations they use, to put you into the dreamlike state of theta consciousness - which is where you can access deep guidance, and even uncover alternate paths for the direction of your life.

There are two areas of my life that I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately. Maybe reflecting is the wrong word. More like zoning in and doing some deep digging. 

These two areas? Money and men. Yep.  

Money as in - “How can I attract and receive the finances that I need to do all the things I want to do? Like travel, and buy land so I can live off grid. Like eating the best diet ever and wearing a wardrobe fit for a fairy?”

Men as in - “OK, I want to manifest my life partner, but so many people around me say it’s not right to focus on that. You have to wait for it to find you, and you have to find total self-love before it can magnetize. Might as well have some fun in the meantime!”

But as many of you can relate - there comes a time where so-so connections and ‘fun’ no longer hold any sway. At all. Believe me - I was a make out bandit in my University days. Literally. That’s what my friends called me. A make out bandit, hahaha. And while that was completely healthy for me at the time, and offered me a chance to go explore and see what was out there, after a while, I was ready for something more. (Also, I stopped drinking at that time, so that might have had something to do with it)

About 4 years ago I magnetized a relationship that was a lot more than just a quick connection. It was deep, soul level love, and I wanted to keep going into it. And into it. But he broke up with me a few times, over a few years, and by the last time, when I was traveling solo through Hawaii, he broke up with me over skype... well, HAHA, that pretty much ended it. 

Since then, I’ve been battling internally and I haven’t even been fully aware of it. 

So today, I went into a theta meditation, not so much to focus on the money side of things, though I’ve received a lot of great guidance around that lately too. (Namely - that my action steps and my bank account are a lot less related then they may seem. Magnetizing money is about the energy you’re in)

No, today, I went looking around in my subconscious for clues about a dream I had last night. In it, I slipped a man a piece of paper - essentially a contract that said he had permission to be with me. The magnitude of this connection, and that we’d be ‘allowed’ to explore it, was so much for us, that though both of us were so stoked, he left the dream, and I woke up. The energy was too powerful we needed a chill! I couldn’t sleep for the next hour. 

But what was that part about permission? About being allowed?

Don’t I know that I’m allowed to fall in love? 

Apparently not. 

I’ve been single for the last year and a half. And I mean really single. Not the kind of single that you see someone for a couple weeks here and there. But like, really effing single. Like my cat and I have grown quite close during this time. 

Ok, back to the meditation and the permission thing. 

Why have I not attracted a partner during this time? Even though I made it clear to the Universe that I wanted to fall in love - where was it?

WELL FOLKS, WE HAVE A THETA PARADIGM SHIFT UPON US. 

(Also, I just made up that term)

In meditation today, I got this -

I have been raised to think and believe that STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMEN were the bees knees, and they don't need no man for no thang.

‘Get your career going, get sorted financially, and then maybe have a guy around after for some enjoyment when you’re all ready and mature. ‘

And then, the spiritual side of things, when I started to read and explore that...

‘You need to love yourself FULLY before anyone can love you. You can only be in healthy relationship if you are absolutely whole and independent, and don’t rely on them for anything. Then it’s all groovy if you two merge, cause you’ll be whole beings. Whereas before, not so much. You’ve gotta have self-love down to a T before you can do that.’

... Well excuse my profanity, my meditation told me so delightfully to FUCK THAT SHIZ. 

Ladies, I am about to say something that might shock you a little bit, as it did me a bit. 

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO RELY ON YOUR PARTNER. 

You are allowed to intertwine with someone else. 

You are allowed to have a twin flame. 

You are allowed to merge with someone. 

You are even allowed to DEPEND on your partner (and oh dear, did a part of me  squirm when I wrote that... still got some independent woman no man no thang busting to do)

WHY?

Because we are uniquely designed to long for each other.

For a partner. For a family. For a community. It's the stuff we're built of. 

We’ve become so obsessed with separateness and independence, that we really have forgot - we really do need each other. Community is the all healer, it always has been, and it always will be. 

Just like a baby can literally die if it does not get enough love and skin to skin contact after it’s born, our souls too, can shrivel if we don’t receive the love we need. 

The divine works through people. 

This man that I adore, and I want - I am allowed to give myself permission to want him. And more than that, to be with him. To rely on him. To co-create with him. (Whoever he is)

Even though some of my beliefs say - it’s totally pathetic to want a man. You’ll never get one with that energy, I now, beg to differ. 

Wanting a man is natural. (Or wanting a woman for that matter)

I want to create a life with someone.

I want to intertwine.

I want to fully embrace my humanness, and accept that we as humans, AND we as souls, need each other. 

And that is completely OK. 

I’m still working on opening up these beliefs. Man, that independent woman thing is deeply engrained. But now that I can see it for what is is - a shield so I don’t get hurt, an excuse to not go after what I really want - I can be a little freer. 

Writing this post was meant to resonate with those of you who are in the same spot I am. WANTING it, but not giving yourself permission to have it. 

In any area of your life. 

So share a comment below!

Do you allow yourself to have what you want? Do you feel like it’s wrong to want a man? Do you feel like you have to be fully self-loving before you can be with an out-of-this-world partner? Or are you rocking it out, and have some wisdom for the rest of us?

Let's start a conversation!

Lots of love!

xo Beth

Ps. Go here for the link to the meditation I did today!

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How a Night with Creativity Changed Me

I’ll be honest. The past couple weeks have been rough for me - full of fear, malease, and contraction. There once was a time that this period of my life could have caused me to shut down - I would have shut off my emotions, chosen not to feel, and entered a rather bleak phase of existence. 

But I’m different now.

My commitment to my spiritual path has shown me how to move through these waters of fear. Although it hasn’t been easy, I’m happy to report that this commitment has given me the answers I needed. 

In this week’s video, I share how a miraculous night with creativity shifted my perspective, and how you can apply the lessons I learned to your own life.

Lots of love!

xo Beth

Ps. This was what I was busy creating last night :)

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Last Night, I Had A Dark Night Of The Soul...

Last night, I had a dark night of the soul...

What's that?

A dark night of the soul is a term, used for centuries (if not longer), by those on the path inward. It denotes a period - whether that be a night, a week, a month, or even a year - where a fervour of fear, anxiety, or depression hits you, leaving you wholly exhausted by the burden of your own life. 

Not for the faint of heart, yes, but everyone experiences the dark night of the soul, whether we're on a spiritual path or not.

The reason why the term is coined by those on an inward journey, though, is once you start this kind of spiritual awakening - you can't stop. And the force of your path will inevitably guide you into parts of yourself that are in total darkness.

Photo of me by Marnie Recker

We're often brought into our shadows to heal them - and sometimes, we're brought a lot a deeper than we're used to going. 

That happened to me last night. 

After being struck by my moon time (what I like to call my period) - I had spent most of the day in bed, and as the night descended, I began to feel stuck and out of sorts. 

Life seemed to close in on me as I realized how lonely I was without my soul family. How sad I was that someone close to me is suffering from depression. How powerless I felt in a world that I wanted to help so dearly.  All these fears, these concerns that I know are there, but usually don't bother me that much, closed in on me like a vampire bent on suffocation. 

I started to cry vehemently, not a soft trickle of tears, and not even a deep release that just feels good - but a full on wailing that would have been quite worrying to any passerbys. 

Very often the thought "I don't want to be here anymore", came to me, and as I tried in desperation to calm myself, my only resources were to hug myself strongly, and to ask the Universe for HELP!

Exhausted, I tried to go to sleep, but the cramps from my lower belly pulsated with pain, and since I'm not in the practice of taking medication, I let them rage on as they kept me up.

I asked the angels for a sign that they were there with me, and I felt tingles and pinpricks all over my body, especially concentrated around my feet. 

Finally, I drifted off, and in the middle of the night, I awoke after vivid dreams of eagles and dark dungeons. (Eagles signify a higher awareness, and the ability to see the broader picture)

And that's when I realized. The pain had broke.

It was like a fever. That moment where your body finally gets to the peak of it's desperation and breaks. The cramps were gone. The mental anguish had disappeared. The ache in my soul had dissipated, thought hints of it were there, I could tell I had made it through. 

Slipping back into sleep, on and off, I finally got out of bed around 2:30 in the afternoon. 

I felt so much better, but I knew I had to do something. 

. . .

As I lay there last night, so encompassed in my own pain, I said to myself, "I need to write about this."

Technically speaking, I'm a life coach for spiritually minded young women. But what good does a title like 'life coach' do if I don't share my life? The ups and the downs.

Last night was intense, and in those moments, kind of torturous. But all in all, it was a beautiful experience.

It was a reminder that no matter how entrenched I feel in the circumstances of my life, or by the limitations of my own mind - I can, and will, come out of it. 

And when I do, I know I can share my experiences to help others, who inevitably will experience their own dark nights of the soul.

So the next time fear has entrapped you and you feel like you can't get out - connect with this story, and know that there are so many people out there experiencing the exact same thing.

We're in this together.

Let your moments move through you, but don't let them define you.

Know that life is a river - keep moving with it - the rapids, the stillness, and everything in between.

So that's what I did today. Finally when I got out of bed, I had a shower, threw a pink tube top on, and head out the door with my computer in hand. 

... The sun was out.

. . .

Much love, and many blessings to you on your journey, 

xo Beth

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We Are Lightworkers & That's All You Have To Remember - a Guest Post for Allison Braun's Community Blog Post Tour

This story is part of a movement - the Busting The Overnight Success Myth: Community Blog Tour, where 21 ladies who have made their dream business a reality (in a variety of different niches) share what it really took for us to make this happen.  Including the not so pretty stuff.  

When Allison Braun (The Business Joyologist) shared her vision for this blog tour with me, I knew I wanted to be a part of it because I love any chance to help women become the lightworkers they're meant to be. Which involves embracing all aspects of our beings, not just the 'clean, sanitary' stuff.

So here is my story. It's raw, real and includes things I've never shared before!

. . .

"What to write about?"

I asked myself repeatedly, as the days lead up to July 19th, the date my article for the Community Blog Tour would be published. 

I milled around. A lot of different ideas ran through my mind, but none of them seemed to stick. So I took to the meditation pillow, the place I get the most answers, and a simple echo reverberated in my being - "Tell your story, stories are powerful." "Yes", I thought, "That sounds about right."

So to you, dear reader, whether you've been with me for years, or you're totally new to me, here is a story. It's the story of how I transitioned from an Alberta-based University student studying Finance, to a full-time holistic entrepreneur living in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest. 

. . .

I couldn't do it.

I just couldn't see myself living in a big city, heading to a corporate job every day.

I grew up aware that I wanted to love my career, and I knew I needed to help people as a part of my daily profession. By the time I got to University however, my mindset had shifted out of childhood wonder and into how I could make the most amount of money using the skills I had. I'd always been somewhat of an academic, and math was totally my jam, so I chose to enter the world of Finance at the ripe old age of 17. 

But by the time I got to the end of my schooling, I was totally fed up. The long days and nights I spent under fluorescent lights in stuffy library rooms had gotten to me. By graduation time, I watched those around me prepare to enter the corporate world. Big banking jobs, and oil + gas positions were the prized positions, and my peers were a flurry trying to secure themselves the best possible gig after graduation. 

And then there was me. By that point, I had decided that the corporate life was definitely not for me.

In fact petitioning nearly every aspect of the corporate life was more my thing. I had used my time in University not just to study finance, but to also travel and ask questions. My questions lead me to begin a meditation practice, to adopt a vegetarian diet,  and to start a blog called Samsara. The blog became my baby, and in between cramming for exams and writing papers, I actively shared my opinions on all things environmental.

At the time, I was also dating an entrepreneur.

Him and his group of longtime friends had left University to start a clothing + events company called Light & Soul, and their tribe was known for sparking inspiration and good vibes wherever they went. ( They're now running an urban farm + are at the heart of a local food revolution in Calgary. )

This was key for me. The spark of inspiration that others can provide. A model. These brothers ( and one sister! ) modelled a way 'out' of the conventional structure, and a way 'in' to freedom, true connection, and a new paradigm of capital creation. 

So upon graduation, I asked my grandfather for a $5000 loan, and started a little start-up business that I called ' Waves of Fire '.

Waves of Fire began as a crystal jewellery business. I created custom + intuitive crystal necklaces for my clients ( mostly all women ) and did a little bit of meditation coaching + blogging on the side.

I remember how I felt when I was starting out.

I had inspiration for days, and grand ideas of becoming an overnight success. I thought that all I had to do was create a great product and have a nice looking website, and masses of people would come calling. I pictured myself being mentored by Gabrielle Bernstein personally, featured in many major magazines, and really just living a life of wild abundance.

I commend myself for my wild optimism, but I must say, things didn't go that way at all. ( It all take time you see! Something I had yet to learn. )

Yes, I made enough money to get by. The crystal necklaces actually turned out to be quite successful. But nobody came knocking to deliver me to fame + fortune. And I'm so glad they didn't.

I needed to learn something. I needed to learn that you don't go into business so your ego can be stroked and you can wear the badge of being an entrepreneur.

I needed to learn that if I really wanted to be in my truth, I needed to get in touch with something much deeper. 

... My reason for being. 

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Though the story goes further and many paths were chosen and unchosen, I can say this:

After 2.5 years of being a full time entrepreneur - I've learned: The money won't be enough to motivate you. The freedom won't even be enough to motivate you. The only thing that will keep you motivated after years of late nights, failed product launches, successful workshops, and what else have you, is this - THE WHY.

What is the why?

The why is the reason you do what you do of course! My 'why' is this - I am lightworker that came to this planet specifically to spread love; AND to spread a trust that we're being taken care of by something much bigger. I came here to alleviate suffering and show others their own beauty. I came to be a passionate stewardess for the earth. I came to speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves, including animals. I came to inspire, light fires, go deep, and free those caught in the matrix. 

And in all likelihood, you did too. 

When I'm in touch with this why, things flow. My business flows. It doesn't matter if 4 people come to my workshop, or 50. ( I've experienced both. ) It doesn't matter if 40 people read my blog post or 400. It just matters that I'm giving the best of what I have to offer. It matters that I'm embracing my mission as a lightworker, and therefore I'm committed to channeling a frequency of trust + truth. 

I'm a part of the tribe creating a new earth, and I take that role, very, very seriously.

When I'm tuned into this part of myself, long nights in front of a computer seem effortless. Product ideas that fit my new lifestyle come to me with ease. But when I'm not tuned in, everything can just seem so hard. 

You know - I could talk so much more about my time as an entrepreneur. I could tell you how comfortable I've become with $5 in my bank account, because it's happened more times than I can count. I could tell you that persistence is the key to success. I could even talk about my 2nd loan, my experience in B-School, or the various business models I've gone through.

But it would all be meaningless if I didn't touch on this:

You are here for a very important reason. And your business is simply an extension of that reason. I'll tell you what I mean:

I recently had an aha moment.

After weeks of dithering over my website, and if I should change it and what it should say., I realized --- my medicine to the world is not my website. It is me. And when I'm in harmony with my greater mission - the feeling in my heart, being in a space of purposeful connection - my website, no matter what it looks like or says, will be imbued with this authentic energy.

So I remembered, I am a lightworker. And so are you. You are here to spread love. And when you get aligned with that truth, your business will flow. And even when things get hard, or you fall down (as we all do), you'll still feel purposeful.

And that's all we really want isn't it? That's why so many of us go into holistic business in the first place - to feel purposeful. To feel like what we do matters. 

So my loved ones, before going anywhere. Before doing anything. Before the business plan. Before the website. Before any of it. Get in touch with your why. Get in touch with why you truly came here, and things will flow. And yes, you'll forget and they'll unflow. You'll still deliberate over your copy, and question whether your product is good enough. But at the end of the day, it won't matter. Because you'll know you're fulfilling your reason for being. And that is what counts. 

You are a lightworker.

Go out and shine! And create a kick-ass business while you're at it.

Much love to you all, 

xo Beth

Psst! - If you've ever felt alone on your journey or like you weren't as far as you "should" be, I invite you to check out more of these real-life stories by going here to join the Busting The Overnight Success Myth : Community Blog Tour.  

I know Hillary Rubin shared her story yesterday and Jennifer Sparks is up sharing her journey tomorrow. 

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Why I Started Partying Again!

{ Your Moon Day Oracle for June 2 - 8 }

Hi loves!

This month we have big energy. The atmosphere in the cosmos is supporting our major changes, and our happy growth, but for many of us, that can still be confusing. 

What are our missions? Why are we here? What should we be creating?

If you need some help with those questions, this week's Moon Day Oracle is for you! In it, we highlight the importance of following our joy, in order to activate our true life's purpose - being lightworkers!

I also share a personal story on where my own joy lead me - and it might not be what you expect!

Tune in with me below!

Make sure you focus on your joy this week! And if you need help, remember your lightworker tools! (Prayer, Meditation + Whatever else you love!)

Lots of love,

xo Beth

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How I Started Working With Angels

Last night, a friend of mine asked me how I got started in meditation and working with angels.

It’s a fun question, but not one I can answer in only a sentence or so. There was also never a specific moment that it just happened - you know, like an AHA moment that you I can trace everything back to. Regardless, it’s an important question, especially important to answer on my blog, and for the countless other ladies interested in starting their own journey with their angels and spirit guides. 

You could say my journey with the spirit world started as a child. My mother regularly saw spirits, apparitions, energy, whatever you want to call it, and although she was very shy, and even a bit fearful of this gift, she openly shared her experiences with us, her children. So from a young age, I was keenly aware that there was something more to life, something ‘beyond the veil’, per say.

Regardless, I still had trouble believing.

Although I trusted my mother fully, it’s hard to believe in something you don’t have direct experience with. 

As I grew up, my mother had several awakenings, and though the rest of our family was still on the conservative, left brain side of things, she delved into reiki, yoga, and different alternative modalities of healing. Eventually, she started to get more open about it, and would often tell me to ask my guardian angels to help me with my school exams, and in any social situations I felt pressure in. She also regularly mentioned Archangel Michael, and the violet/blue light he carried, as a tool for healing and protection.

Even though I was on the fence for whether any of this ‘stuff’ was real, I found myself calling upon my angels, and invoking the violet flame anyway. It couldn’t hurt, I thought, and besides, I liked doing it. 

My views about the eccentric work my mother was doing shifted however, upon a trip to France in the 8th grade. During our travels, I came down with strep throat, which happened often for me, and usually resulted in copious amounts of antibiotics, some puking, and a lot of down time in order to recover. Being only a 2 week trip, I really wasn’t looking forward to spending the vacation seriously ill, so I let my mother do reiki on me. I remember when it happened, we were in a car, the backseat, and she worked her magic. The next day I was better. No antibiotics. No doctor. No puking. This had never happened. And from there, I was a little more willing to believe in the mysteries she was bringing into my life. 

I took my first Reiki course when I was 16, and though I was more open than I had been in previous years, I still found it hard to digest.

I distinctly remember the other women in the class (who were about 3 times my age) discussing the ‘white light’ they were seeing in their meditations, and the feeling of peace that was with them after a group meditation. I thought they were out to lunch, but I went along with it, and when it came to my turn to share my experience of the class, I repeated what the others had said. “Yeah, white light! Peaceful. Definitely. That was me.” It would still be a while before I truly embraced the world of energy and subtle vibrations.

Fast forward a few years. I’m 19, and I’ve just returned from a life changing trip to South Africa. Whether it was the energy of the land, the culture, the climate, or the people I spent my time with, it was what I needed. That summer, I woke up. 

Diving head first into environmentalism, adopting a vegetarian diet, and starting a meditation practice were all markers of the initial stages of my journey.

It would be a year yet, until I would discover angels, and bring their wisdom and healing into my life. When I finally did discover the angelic realm, it was pure magic. By that time I had made my way through the Wayne Dyer + Eckhart Tolle, type of philosophies. Presence, breathing, forgiveness, trust in Source. All of these concepts were key, they were meaningful, and they had created great shifts in my life. 

But me, being me, was looking for something more fun. I didn’t even really know it at the time, but looking back, I know I longed for a path I could dig into, that really resonated with me. Something a bit more distinct. More feminine even. 

And that’s when I came across the book “Ask Your Guides” by Sonia Choquette. It was exactly what I needed. Step by step, page by page, it described how to work with your spirit guides and angels. Who they were. Why they were. And how to connect with them. 

I remember sitting in University - in my Financial Markets and Institutions class - tucked away in the back, pouring over the literature. ‘This is what I should be studying’, I thought. And so I did. I spent my days in my Finance courses, and my nights tucked away at home, reading esoteric literature with my kitty snuggled close by. I started calling upon Archangel Michael on the regular, and practicing different exercises from the books I was reading. I was so in love with my newfound connection to angels and the spirit world, that I just kept going. 

I kept going and going and going and going, until I find myself here today, typing these words as a full time entrepreneur whose primary service is to channel spirit guides and angels for the young women I coach. 

Although there is, of course, much more to the story (isn’t there always?) - that’s the gist of it my loves. We all have our own journeys, and that, in a few words, has been mine.

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Much love, my powerful chicas!

xo Beth

Feeling Sexy + Sultry: Where is the Sacred Masculine?

So... recently, I've had some rather frustrating situations with men in my life.

While also mildly hilarious, overall, they have highlighted a deep desire within me to have the masculine 'Show Up' in my life, as I've become keenly aware of so many times I felt unsupported, or even disregarded, by the other sex.

Well I am happy to tell you I've just had a MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH, and I am super stoked to share! Who doesn't love breakthroughs?

Over the last few months, I have felt my desire for masculine energy in my life escalate.

And by masculine energy... let's just tell it like it is. My loins were on fire. Seriously ladies, I have never felt the desire for super awakening sex like I have since October. 

Prior to my long term relationship, I was in my teenage years. So a) Much of my sexual energy had been deeply unexplored b) When it rose up and wanted to be fed, it usually resulted in me going out to the bar, drinking with my girlfriends, and making out on the dance floor.

Being woken up, empowered, (and now mostly a non drinker), this time, needed to be quite different.

How would I navigate the landscape of sexuality with this new mindset? How could I honour and respect my primal needs and desires, while also honouring the whisperings of my heart, and the sensitivity that dwelled within me?

And why did all of this feel so goddam hard? 

Men just weren't showing up. Well they were, but they weren't actually if you get what I'm saying. 

They weren't communicating. They were giving mixed signals. They were reaching out, and then running away. They were dropping the ball. They weren't manning up.

And this really got to me, as so many of my prayers revolved around attracting that which fulfilled me. Satisfying sexual encounters that were both holy + sacred, unattached + yet fully united. Open + flowing. Uncontrolled + primal. Deep. Cosmic. Spiritual. An honouring of the sacred masculine and the divine feminine. 

But alas, this lady, try though she might, was not getting what she was looking for. Many I talked to said I was reaching for more than others could give. That this type of union simply didn't exist in this day and age. That men were men, and they were flakes. That if I wanted sex, fine, but don't expect it to mean anything. 

And so I waited, waited for something that made sense. Waited for an AHA moment, that would deliver me from confused and wanting, to powerful and honouring. 

Well, my dears, the AHA moment has arrived. 

After a frustrating situation yesterday, when again, I felt as though the masculine had dropped the ball, and not shown up (details spared, basis of the situation - shared) - I felt an undulating heat and disappointment for the masculine.

The feminine wounds within me writhed. It felt like I had arrived at an institution of higher learning, and I had prepared in depth - proud and excited of my work - ready to share, I showed up with all materials in hand, only to discover that it was a men's club, and they wouldn't take me seriously. 

Another way I saw it, this morning, was a battlefield. The powerful women warriors had shown up, but the army they were fighting was great. We needed the hundreds of males in the distance to come and help us. But they didn't. We were left alone, to fend for ourselves. 

So much of this is so abstract, so deeply personal, but hopefully you'll be able to sense the sensitive undercurrent running below. The feelings of being left behind, being unwanted, not received, not respected, by our counterparts. 

And then it hit me.

This morning, all of this turned hilarious. In between shouts of 'GODDAMIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEN', I likewise, had bouts of mild histeria. I thought all of this was hilarious. I could truly step back and witness the situation, and through my comedic translation of said events, an enormous amount of clarity rushed through me. 

Through my own independence, my own wilfulness, and pride at being a woman, I had blocked out the masculine. Though I felt drawn to him, and wanted him in my life, I had been acting and thinking in a way of 'Don't need no man for no thang.'

But guess what. It dawned upon me, I actually DO need a man. 

And not just any man. 

MY man. 

My own inner man. My inner masculine. I had been so excited about channeling the Goddess, the beautiful, sensual creature of the female, that I had shunned my inner sacred masculine. 

It was in that moment that I felt both the deep craving for the masculine, and the unforgiveness I had harboured against him, both as an individual, and as a part of the collective female psyche.

Through my anger at how the unbalanced masculine has shown up in the world, I had failed to acknowledge the positive aspects of the him, that I both deeply needed, and deeply craved. 

So I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed.

I recited, over and over, my mantra of forgiveness for the masculine. I felt my deep attraction to him, and let it be OK. I prayed that my inner selves would be united, that my sacred masculine, and my divine feminine could forgive one another. That I could experience unity in the self. 

I realized that, for the last few months - not getting what I wanted and encountering men who were just not showing up - had everything to do with the separation of masculine + feminine within myself. 

After that, I called upon my masculine. 

I channeled his energy from up within me, and something magical happened. 

I felt safe, and protected. I felt like he had me. I felt his presence, calm and steady. All that delicious energy that men do so well, (you know, like being all sexy and strong, steady, and deeply rooted) was rising up within. And I felt turned on. By my own self! My own masculine!

Eureka!

All this "What you're looking for is in yourself" stuff is so not bullshit!

Excellent. 

So dear ones, I will work with this new insight. This understanding that my own masculine is delicious and true, and worthy, and I am so, so ready to forgive him. When we unite, then, and only then, will the sacred masculine truly be able to show up in my outer world as well.

He is what I need. He is what I want. 

And all of Him, is within me. 

---

May your sacred masculine + your divine feminine merge. And may they make delicious, sweet love, in your uncompromisingly deep soul.

xo Beth

Ps. Upon finishing this blog post, a man has shown up and sat at my booth at the coffee shop. HAHA. Shit's working already ;) :D

Pps. Another one just sat down. This is amazing. Inner masculine, you are the bomb. 

Heartbreak + What it has to do with Past Life Memories

Heartbreak. 

Um, wow. 

Has there been anything else so volatile, so chaotic, so disruptively whole within your being? Alive.. intense.. dead. We can experience it all through heartbreak.

Something I've noticed though, is that our culture tends to associate heartbreak only with romantic relationships.

Rarely do we associate our past life memories, what our ancestry has gone through, our relationship to environmental degradation, or even a childhood variable with the root source of our internal pain. We tend to place it on something very external outside of us. When really, that external thing may have just been a trigger for detoxing deeper pain.

... Let's keep going.

Recently, I've consciously tapped into a part of my being that can only be described as intense loneliness.

Looking back though, I can see that in ways I've had this feeling for my whole life.

Not all of me, no  ... a part of me is this bright sunny disposition that is just natural and flowing. Bubbly. It feels fun.

But then, there's this other part of me that feels a hole, an emptiness that aches for something outside of itself that will never come. 

And beautifully enough, through the path of the priestess, I've come to foggily realize what this is. The memories are coming back.

Recently, I've recalled a past life trauma...

... Foggily detailed,

... Yet oddly accessible. 

I kept seeing, for years in my minds eye, this little Irish, beautiful fishing settlement and Village, maybe what would be considered 2 or even 3 thousand years ago. And I just know it got burnt. Ravaged. All of it. And my family died. And the attack was blunt, and traumatic, and I was left without a family, and without a home, and without a village, all at once. I've seen this for years and years, but lately these obscure details and feelings from it have come into light. 

Understandably, like everyone else whose grown up in this culture, every once in a while I have those 'Am I totally just making this up?' kind of moments. But more often than not, I just feel this knowingness inside of me, that yes, this is to be trusted. It is truth.

These visuals and the memory of this feeling (loneliness, gnawing) are the same I experienced after I first watched Tristan & Isolde when I was 14 or 15, (Starring babe of the century James Franco, might I add ;D ) when I watched an ancient Irish settlement being burned, and a boys whole family be killed. I walked out of the theatre absolutely numb to the tragedy I had just experienced in my soul, but completely besotted with it at the same time. It was intense. It took days to get over it, and yet, at the time, I thought it was just a really sad movie that I was oddly affected by. But now I know it actually mirrored a long buried past.

All of this inside of me, I found, as I explored this feeling, and the idea of heartbreak.

And since then, I've realized, I shouldn't beat this feeling up. This loneliness. This ache. Or ignore it for that matter. Whereas before I might say 'Why am I sad, I should stop being sad?'', I can now know that...

It has a cause. 

A very real one. 

And you realize that all this inside of you, is pretty cosmic. 

Pretty powerful.

And to be treated with the utmost of respect.

So. Give yourself permission to love your shadows, because they are worthy of your love... And so are you. 

Lots of love and Happy Solstice everyone, 

Don't be afraid to feel it, whatever it is,

xo Beth