So... recently, I've had some rather frustrating situations with men in my life.
While also mildly hilarious, overall, they have highlighted a deep desire within me to have the masculine 'Show Up' in my life, as I've become keenly aware of so many times I felt unsupported, or even disregarded, by the other sex.
Well I am happy to tell you I've just had a MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH, and I am super stoked to share! Who doesn't love breakthroughs?
Over the last few months, I have felt my desire for masculine energy in my life escalate.
And by masculine energy... let's just tell it like it is. My loins were on fire. Seriously ladies, I have never felt the desire for super awakening sex like I have since October.
Prior to my long term relationship, I was in my teenage years. So a) Much of my sexual energy had been deeply unexplored b) When it rose up and wanted to be fed, it usually resulted in me going out to the bar, drinking with my girlfriends, and making out on the dance floor.
Being woken up, empowered, (and now mostly a non drinker), this time, needed to be quite different.
How would I navigate the landscape of sexuality with this new mindset? How could I honour and respect my primal needs and desires, while also honouring the whisperings of my heart, and the sensitivity that dwelled within me?
And why did all of this feel so goddam hard?
Men just weren't showing up. Well they were, but they weren't actually if you get what I'm saying.
They weren't communicating. They were giving mixed signals. They were reaching out, and then running away. They were dropping the ball. They weren't manning up.
And this really got to me, as so many of my prayers revolved around attracting that which fulfilled me. Satisfying sexual encounters that were both holy + sacred, unattached + yet fully united. Open + flowing. Uncontrolled + primal. Deep. Cosmic. Spiritual. An honouring of the sacred masculine and the divine feminine.
But alas, this lady, try though she might, was not getting what she was looking for. Many I talked to said I was reaching for more than others could give. That this type of union simply didn't exist in this day and age. That men were men, and they were flakes. That if I wanted sex, fine, but don't expect it to mean anything.
And so I waited, waited for something that made sense. Waited for an AHA moment, that would deliver me from confused and wanting, to powerful and honouring.
Well, my dears, the AHA moment has arrived.
After a frustrating situation yesterday, when again, I felt as though the masculine had dropped the ball, and not shown up (details spared, basis of the situation - shared) - I felt an undulating heat and disappointment for the masculine.
The feminine wounds within me writhed. It felt like I had arrived at an institution of higher learning, and I had prepared in depth - proud and excited of my work - ready to share, I showed up with all materials in hand, only to discover that it was a men's club, and they wouldn't take me seriously.
Another way I saw it, this morning, was a battlefield. The powerful women warriors had shown up, but the army they were fighting was great. We needed the hundreds of males in the distance to come and help us. But they didn't. We were left alone, to fend for ourselves.
So much of this is so abstract, so deeply personal, but hopefully you'll be able to sense the sensitive undercurrent running below. The feelings of being left behind, being unwanted, not received, not respected, by our counterparts.
And then it hit me.
This morning, all of this turned hilarious. In between shouts of 'GODDAMIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEN', I likewise, had bouts of mild histeria. I thought all of this was hilarious. I could truly step back and witness the situation, and through my comedic translation of said events, an enormous amount of clarity rushed through me.
Through my own independence, my own wilfulness, and pride at being a woman, I had blocked out the masculine. Though I felt drawn to him, and wanted him in my life, I had been acting and thinking in a way of 'Don't need no man for no thang.'
But guess what. It dawned upon me, I actually DO need a man.
And not just any man.
My own inner man. My inner masculine. I had been so excited about channeling the Goddess, the beautiful, sensual creature of the female, that I had shunned my inner sacred masculine.
It was in that moment that I felt both the deep craving for the masculine, and the unforgiveness I had harboured against him, both as an individual, and as a part of the collective female psyche.
Through my anger at how the unbalanced masculine has shown up in the world, I had failed to acknowledge the positive aspects of the him, that I both deeply needed, and deeply craved.
So I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed.
I recited, over and over, my mantra of forgiveness for the masculine. I felt my deep attraction to him, and let it be OK. I prayed that my inner selves would be united, that my sacred masculine, and my divine feminine could forgive one another. That I could experience unity in the self.
I realized that, for the last few months - not getting what I wanted and encountering men who were just not showing up - had everything to do with the separation of masculine + feminine within myself.
After that, I called upon my masculine.
I channeled his energy from up within me, and something magical happened.
I felt safe, and protected. I felt like he had me. I felt his presence, calm and steady. All that delicious energy that men do so well, (you know, like being all sexy and strong, steady, and deeply rooted) was rising up within. And I felt turned on. By my own self! My own masculine!
All this "What you're looking for is in yourself" stuff is so not bullshit!
So dear ones, I will work with this new insight. This understanding that my own masculine is delicious and true, and worthy, and I am so, so ready to forgive him. When we unite, then, and only then, will the sacred masculine truly be able to show up in my outer world as well.
He is what I need. He is what I want.
And all of Him, is within me.
May your sacred masculine + your divine feminine merge. And may they make delicious, sweet love, in your uncompromisingly deep soul.
Ps. Upon finishing this blog post, a man has shown up and sat at my booth at the coffee shop. HAHA. Shit's working already ;) :D
Pps. Another one just sat down. This is amazing. Inner masculine, you are the bomb.